Johnny Phone and the Magical Stuff
by Fox and Gryphon
Summary: Fox has his very second adventure.


Johnny Phone and the Magical Stuff  
Da Fox (name not required)  
  
One day a fox was rummaging through his neighbour's garbage can for his daily bread when suddenly he heard a noise. It wasn't a normal noise, it was all terrible and cute. The fox looked up from his gourmet banana peelings and spit out onions to see a glowing squirrel. His fur was the colour of grandma after a 24-hour bender, a 24-hour radioactive bender that is.  
  
"Hello." Said the squirrel. "I am giving you cancer with my magical glowing fur."  
  
The fox didn't like this one bit so in a blind fit of rage he shit himself and ran away faster then Mexican food through a flu sick goose. Faster and faster he ran as the magical radiation emitting squirrel followed, mind you a squirrel with radiation sickness kind of stumbles along loosing junks of fur and puking. Finally the fox came to a bridge where an evil troll lived. He padded up to the bridge and bellowed "where can I get some pancakes?"  
  
The troll was a lazy one, he tool the escalator up. He moaned and bumbles over in his smell overalls. Flies circled around him because he haddent showered since his beautiful dead wife decomposed after the snow melted. He looked down at the fox and scratched his hairy nose with his dirty hand and started to think. Think he did.  
  
"What?" "I say there Mister Troll, where can I find some pancakes? I am having a terrible dream where a electric squirrel is chasing me. When I wake up I am going to be hungry for food like stuffs. Where is the pancake house?" "Duhhhh.... I like the metal coins with the pretty bird on them. They make my poop soft."  
  
The fox sighed and quickly pissed on the troll's leg as he picked a wriggling maggot from his nose. The piss felt good, it was all warm and golden, like a power plant after a roach attack. Why the last time he had piss that felt that good was 13 years ago. At that time the fox was a Captain Sergeant in the United Army of States. He had just finished throwing a truckload of evil communist hamsters into an aircraft engine when he had to go. But he couldn't because the Private Major was coming around doing spine checks. Not spot, spine checks. You see the United Army of States had to make sure you weren't a spineless worm so they had to hit everyone in the back with a hammer. If they didn't bend in half or suck on a lemon peal, they were A-okay.  
  
Not wanting to make a mess on the ground and look like he was disposing of evidence he padded over to a motorcycle that was running and proceeded to piss in the intake. It was like magic, especially the way the motorcycle smoked and rattled. (Umm, what was I talking about? Gryphon......? Oh Yeah! )  
  
Walking until sunset wasn't his idea if a good time unless he had someone sexy with him so the fox stopped in at a little one horse town. To his surprise they had a pancake house. He strolled in and ordered a plate of there finest but the cook was the squirrel formally known radioactive squirrel. Now he was just dead, rotting, fur falling out squirrel. They shook paws and made up for their childish behaviour and went out for a beer together.  
  
As the fox and the dead squirrel skipped to the alcohol serving place but on the way there the deadafied tail fell off, rolled under a horse and exploded in such a fashion that it rained hotdogs and glue for 5 minutes. The town's folk didn't like this, after all it had already rained hotdogs and old men for a week so they all bunkered down and loaded their deer testicle cannons and opened fire on the fox and decaying squirrel.  
  
The squirrel caught one and popped it in his mouth. "It needs a little Kraft dinner to make it fit for a plow king." With that the fox quickly used him as a living shield and made his way out of the town. But he wasn't out of trouble yet because he had gum on his hind paw, and it had stuck to a rope that was tied to the president's finger. He forgot a lot of things and his rope was very long for this reason.  
  
"Who dares drag the president of the United Providences out of his comfort tube at this hour of the day!" he demanded at the rather unconcerned looking fox.  
  
"Who for is dragged by the mighty rope of unhappy freedom through the mud of despair, through the trees of uniformity, through the mustard of pickles!" The fox pointed his paw finger at the President man in the overalls and screamed a cry of pennynickers at him. Both knew what this meant...  
  
In a matter of second's people from all around started showing up with beer hats and giant finger signs. They gathered around the fox and the President as Matrix music started playing. Even the rotting squirrel was there, dragged over by a seagull. Mr. President like dude pulled a rabbit out of his pants and yanked on his ears, holding him at arms length the rabbit started smoking and buzzing as his teeth chattered. The president grinned and revved his rabbit saw, sending another puff of blue out of the rabbit's ass.  
  
"Give up Mr. Vulpine. You can not win for I have the power of multinational corporations on my side. We will crush you like a heavy thing on a small fragile stuff!"  
  
The crowd cheered and threw corn stalks in the ring, the fox grinned and reached into his tail. Slowly he pulled out an eggbeater and showed it to the adoring and slightly stunned audience. With a push of a button the rusty eggbeater rumbled and smoked as its 457 V-9 engine purred to life like a drowning kitten.  
  
The Fox and the President, sworn enemies since time was young and sneaking out of the house just glared at each other. Slowly they got closer, and closer, and CLOSER! The president shoved the rabbit at the fox, the fox revved the insane eggbeater and poked the rabbit with it. Shit flew at random as the President whirled back and swung his carrot eater at the fox. Their weapons collided in mid air, both leaned closer and growled at each other, making evil shifty eyes as bad dude music played.  
  
"SOMEONE HAS BEEN SLEEPING IN MY PORRIAGE AND THE SPOON HAS BEEN DATING THE FIDDLE!"  
  
"GASP!!!" said everyone, except the troll. He was flirting with the new popcorn vender. As everyone looked up a frog on a string was lowered from a thundering cloud that was missing on a few cylinders because it was hard to find a cloud mechanic these days that knew how to work on radium drives. The frog dangled over the president and crooked "Soup is on late tonight." He opened his mouth and lowered his tongue phone towards the President and that look in his eyes told him that the frog phone was for him. Only one person ever called on that phone. Johnny Phone.  
  
Nervously the President picked up the squishy receiver and listened...  
  
"Mr president, pay close attention. You have been living four lives. Three of your lives are stuck together, three of your lives are kind of the same. Now Mr. President it's time to play out game. Which one of your lives is different?"  
  
The President shut off his rabbit and dropped him back in his pants before checking his watch. He spoke in his best tattletale voice and replied "Aristocracy?" "No..." said Johnny Phone. "Pay close attention Mr. President guy, you must remember my words, let them burn into your shotgun shell infested mind... Always remember this for if you don't, you will get cancer and die like the Squirrel."  
  
Everyone looks at the squirrel, but all that is there is a pile of compost and a Chinese food box. The president shakes his head and listens. "Closer..." Johnny Phone says. "CLOSER! Now the secret of the Canadians will be reviled..."  
  
Fox by now is highly bored so he grabs a grocery cashier and starts pulling her hair out. Johnny phone hears the screams and loses his train of thought. Lucky for him a hobo rides in the caboose.  
  
"Holy mushrooms dancing on a tin roof! By the name of all my hats I will avenge my pet ant Leroy and disembowel your LEG!"  
  
(POP goes my POPTARTS!!! 2 B K0l\ltil\loo3D) 


End file.
